It's Day One of quitting smoking. Again. Again.
I wrote yesterday about feeling pretty fed up with how I'm feeling lately. Fed up isn't quite the right word, it's more some combination of impatient/exasperated/at my wit's end all mixed up with feeling fed up. Is there a word for this? There should be.
What has been troubling me the most for some now is that I probably don't have to feel this way. While there are some things beyond my control at the end of the day, like my genetic predisposition to depression, anxiety, and probably to fibromyalgia, there are so many things I can do to change things. This is why in the midst of all these struggles, I'm also feeling motivated. Powerful, even. Because how lucky am I that I can feel like shit and do something to change it.
I have an appointment with my doctor today so we can talk about my blood work. I'm not a psychic, but I'm pretty sure I can divine what our conversation will look like: Danielle, your health stinks. But rather than fret about the state of my health, I am going to do something to change it. I'm going to return to my goals. The need to return again and again to my goals is the reason I'm writing all this down in the first place. Read, remember, reinvent. So I will get more sleep, eat nourshing food, breathe, and move my body.
And not smoke. I wrote about my intention not to smoke a few weeks ago and I've started and stopped ten times since then. But today is a new Day One.
If I showed you my journal you would see the words "Day One!" written next to the dates of many, many pages. I have moments when I'm ashamed of how many first attempts I make, pleading with the universe to turn me into one of those people who decides to do something and then just does it. The first time. How I long for that kind discipline. But I am who I am, and that means that I need time to change. I need the motivation and the feelings to be just right for me in that moment. I can't be someone I'm not. And fighting who I am isn't going to help anyone, least of all myself. The difficulty I experience when it comes to making these kinds of change also makes a person who is understanding, compassionate, and loyal. I'll take that.
So maybe I've tried quitting smoking a hundred times since January, but maybe today is the day that it works.
I believe in as many Day Ones as are necessary to live the life I want (and for this reason I will forever be in love with Mondays). Maybe you need ten first tries while I need seventeen. Let's give each other as many Day Ones as we need, shall we?